apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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