Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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