i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
sarcasm needs its own font
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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