As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
