Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
