i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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