I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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