Your face is a jimmy john
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
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