He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
