i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
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