How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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