I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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