Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
