Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
