rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
