Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
