u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
