its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
