i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
