Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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