can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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