It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
