he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i just sent this text using only my big toe
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
