You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
