Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
