a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I looked at my own cervix.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
