you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
