I just pynch a tree in the face
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
