Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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