how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize