True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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