why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
