My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
