you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
