i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
