so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
