he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
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I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
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I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
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