I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
