good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
