I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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