you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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