that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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