Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
