I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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