I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
