he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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