too bad you live with your parents still
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
