You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
