Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
