Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
