The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
