Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
