Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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