We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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