And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
