After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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